here be monsters

book analysis

2012-01-02T21:09:00.002+08:00

38 books read in 2009, 27 in 2010 and now 23 in 2011. Yes I think I see a pattern there. Not a good one.

bought (2011)

2012-01-02T21:07:00.001+08:00

01. more than you can say by Paul Torday
02. out of oz by Gregory Maguire
03. luka and the fire of life by Salman Rushdie
04. imperial bedrooms by Bret Easton Ellis
05. the rules of attraction by Bret Easton Ellis
06. generosity by Richard Powers
07. player one by Douglas Coupland
08. loaded by Christos Tsiolkas
09. devil's place by Brian Gomez
10. a brief history of the future by Stephen Clarke
11. midnight's children by Salman Rushdie
12. geek love by Katherine Dunn
13. matchless by Gregory Maguire
14. the hopeless life of charlie summers by Paul Torday
15. the next queen of heaven by Gregory Maguire
16. lost by Gregory Maguire

read (2011)

2012-01-02T21:03:00.002+08:00

01. luka and the fire of life by Salman Rushdie
02. imperial bedrooms by Bret Easton Ellis
03. a short history of tractors in ukrainian by Marina Lewycka
04. loaded by Christos Tsiolkas
05. midnight's children by Salman Rushdie
06. player one by Douglas Coupland
07. devil's place by Brian Gomez
08. the slap by Christos Tsiolkas
09. a brief history of the future by Stephen Clarke
10. sushi & beyond by Michael Booth
11. room by Emma Donoghue
12. point omega by Don DeLillo
13. the museum of innocence by Orhan Pamuk
14. geek love by Katherine Dunn
15. the next queen of heaven by Gregory Maguire
16. the hopeless life of charlie summers by Paul Torday
17. matchless by Gregory Maguire
18. the story of sushi by Trevor Corson
19. the tale of genji by Murasaki Shikibu
20. lost by Gregory Maguire
21. the help by Kathryn Stockett
22. stardust by Neil Gaiman
23. beautiful as yesterday by Fan Wu

Borneo Expedition: Day 19 - 31/12/1997 Wednesday

2011-09-11T23:17:00.004+08:00

There must have been a day 19... but I lost that page of my physical travel log. But it was the last day anyway so we could not have done a lot. We probably took an early flight.

With this, I conclude my first Borneo experience and shall proceed to discard my yellowing and fading physical journal.

Borneo Expedition: Day 18 - 30/12/1997 Tuesday

2011-09-11T23:13:00.005+08:00

Woke up and started packing up and unpitching the tents. Collected assam fruits. Went back to Kota Kinabalu early around 9:00 am. Checked in at Sabah Inn. Then ate breakfast. Came back and rested. Practiced our performance for the night. Went out for lunch and went walking around. Visited the Philippines Bazaar. Went on walking. Back back and rested before going out again for dinner. We came back for briefing and expedition conclusion in Mrs. Faridahs room. We performed our routine. Waited for the early morning meal before fasting started at Restoran Selamat. Came back up and watched Eraser and then slept.

Borneo Expedition: Day 17 - 29/12/1997 Monday

2011-09-11T23:04:00.003+08:00

We woke up and prepared breakfast. Ate and then went to rent snorkles. I shared mine with Jimmy. Went down with Chun Hoo and David right after breakfast. Went quite deep. Saw some magnificent sights; pufferfish, schools of parrotfish, schools of barracudas, the remains of a turtle. We played volleyball and went swimming. Later, we had lunch and played scrabble with Mrs. Faridah, Jenn Nee and Pei Yee. After the last boat left the island, we went diving off the jetty. I did that twice and got sea water in through my nostrils both times. Continued snorkling with Jenn Nee, Jimmy and Chun Hoo. Came back up the beach to help the rest prepare dinner. We had some difficulties doing the dishes after dinner because of the lack of water supply. Instead we scrubbed stuff with sand. We got to know the other party of campers on the island. We introduced some games to them. Pei Yee and Hun Yie had a girl-on-girl dance. When the water supply finally came, we went to shower. We sat on the beach and chatted til the wee hours.

Borneo Expedition: Day 16 - 28/12/1997 Sunday

2011-09-11T22:55:00.003+08:00

We woke up early and went straight to the airport for a morning flight to Labuan. Boarded a Fokker. Great view. Arrived at Labuan and eat breakfast there. Went to Kota Kinabalu by ferry. The ride was bumpy but we managed to sleep the whole journey. We arrived at Kota Kinabalu and headed for lunch in the stalls above the market. We took turns in two groups. Later, we boarded a 3:00pm to Pulau Sapi. We pitched our tents when we arrived and proceeded to prepare dinner. We wanted to shower but there was not water supply that day. After washing up at sea, we laid on the beach and chatted, played games, went hiking with Chun Hoo. We saw sandfleas that glowed blue in the dark. Continued chatting about weird emo stuff.

Borneo Expedition: Day 15 - 27/12/1997 Saturday

2011-09-11T22:50:00.004+08:00

Woke up & packed up. Took a bus ride back to Miri. Arrived at the Park Hotel, checked in and went for breakfast at the hotel restaurant. Walked back. Unpacked and rested. Then we went for lunch. Gary did not follow us because he was ill. We hung out around town. But it was very hot, so we went back to the hotel and rested instead. Later, we went out for dinner and went hanging out in town again. Gary was still not well enough to follow us out. Came back and went into Sir's room for briefing.

Borneo Expedition: Day 14 - 26/12/1997 Friday

2011-06-06T00:51:00.002+08:00

Woke up, had breakfast and checked out. Took a bus to Lambir National Park. First impression was not great. Checked into a chalet. Had lunch in the cafeteria. THen walked to the waterfalls. Saw streams filled with fish and craterous streambed. Went swimming, brought Pei Yee across the waterfall, hunted for shrimps. Bathed outside the toilet because the water level was too low inside. Had dinner in the cafeteria. Went back to chalet and played games. Slept outside in the living hall.

Borneo Expedition: Day 13 - 25/12/1997 Thursday

2011-06-06T00:41:00.002+08:00

Woke up early to board a bus to Batu Niah. Reached Batu Niah and ate there. A few miracles happened on Christmas - Chun Hoo didn't finish his food, Hun Yie carried heavy things, we had the same cab driver in Miri and Batu Niah and plain water arrived first. Took a short boat ride to the chalet. Went to look at caves. Saw equipments for collecting birds' nests. Saw an abandoned excavation site. Saw paintings on the wall. Not clear because was fenced. Walked back to chalet. Ate dinner and played chi ku pah. Chatted with Pei Yee and Chun Hoo until 2:00 am. Slept.

Borneo Expedition: Day 12 - 24/12/1997 Wednesday

2011-06-06T00:30:00.003+08:00

Woke up early at 2:00 am. Had breakfast. Went to the jetty to catch a 3:00 am boat ride. Boarded a long boat and traveled in the dark. As the river dilated, breeze began blowing. Traveled in the mist. Reached Long Terawan at 5:00+ am then boarded a speed boat. But the speed boat was rather dodgy so we moved to an express boat and saw some illegal immigrants getting caught. Reached Marudi and had breakfast there. Then went on another express boat to Kuala Baram. Reached Kuala Baram and got on a bus to Miri then went for tea. Then went across the river by ferry to walk to the jetty. Saw the sunset. Went back to the other side of the river and hung around the shopping mall. Had dinner at roadside stalls. Had briefing in Sir's room. Went down with Puan Faridah to ATM and phone booth. Went to Puan Faridah's room to celebrate Christmas. Had cakes and sang songs. Slept.

Borneo Expedition: Day 11 - 23/12/1997 Tuesday

2011-06-06T00:12:00.003+08:00

Woke up then prepared for breakfast. Went on a long boat. Sat with Chun Hoo. There were also two Americans-teaching-in-Japan who boarded the boat with us - Lori & Michael. Reached a Penan Village and went down to look at handicrafts. Bought a couple of bangles. Continued boat ride. Saw the lower mouth of Wind Cave - called the Skull Cave. A swiftlet shitted on my shoe. It was orangey yellow and shiny. Reached the jetty and hiked up to Wind Cave. Had a well informed guide named Jennifer. Saw marvelous rock formations, and an airwolf sort of cave. Saw beautiful stalagmites and stalactites in the King's Chamber. Saw 'hands' pointing down. Saw 'smiling face' on rock. Felt fresh when the breeze blew. Jennifer turned off some lights to show us a shadow of a guy and a girl kissing. Continued walking to Clear Water Cave. Saw shadow resembling Virgin Mary - the place was called The Young Lady. Saw single leafed plants called pendulum. Saw a chamber founded by Paris Mitchell in 1988. Saw a river in the cave. Went swimming in the river outside Clear Water Cave. Played chop chili chop, cheek baby cheek, marco polo and moose with Lori & Michael. Went back to hostel and ate lunch. Then walked back to Deer Cave to see bats. Saw a mass exodus of bats flying sinusoidally before dispersing. Walked back to cook dinner. Burned the rice. Had short briefing and went to bed.

Borneo Expedition: Day 10 - 22/12/1997 Monday

2011-06-06T00:01:00.003+08:00

Woke up and went to market. Saw sharks and hammerheads. Then went to airport. Flight was delayed. Boarded a twin otter - small plane for 18 people. Had a great view down below. Reached Mulu National Park and started trekking to caves about 3 kilometers away. Saw many butterflies, caterpillars and slugs. Reached Lang Cave and saw magnificent limestone structures. Went to Deer Cave. A lot of bats and guano. Saw Adam & Eve's shower, Garden of Eden & Abraham Lincoln's profile. Came back soaking wet. Had dinner. Watched people playing scrabble. Chatted. Played games - chop chili chop, moose. Slept.

Borneo Expedition: Day 9 - 21/12/1997 Sunday

2011-06-04T22:22:00.003+08:00

Woke up and had breakfast in Restoran Sri Johor. Took a public bus to a museum. The bus was equipped with TV and VCR. Went visiting in the museum. Saw traditional instruments and tools, ruins, barking deer skeleton and a dead body. Went to some traditional houses on display. Had lunch. Continued looking around at rocks, broadcasting technologies and art displays by Ku Mui Fui. Hung around Wisma Merdeka. Went to airport to send Louis off and to go to Miri. Reached Miri and checked into Park Hotel. People in Miri sleep really early. Most of the restaurants were closed when we went for supper. Briefing in Sir's room after supper. Slept in 518 with CCH, CCH and Gary.

Borneo Expedition: Day 8 - 20/12/1997 Saturday

2011-06-04T22:17:00.003+08:00

Woke up early and had breakfast. Went snorkeling. Beautiful sights. Saw a lot of beautiful sea creatures. Second trip down with Jimmy & Chun Hoo was a better one. Saw more beautiful and marvelous creatures. Worth mentioning were parrot fish, tiger fish, clown fish, plankton & stone like crab. But bitten all over by sea bugs. Journey back to Kota Kinabalu saw angel fish and flying fish. Went to the night market in town. Ate in City Parade. Made second phone call home. Had to keep a lookout for Hun Yie & Esther who walked very fast. Had briefing in girls' room before sleeping.

Borneo Expedition: Day 7 - 19/12/1997 Friday

2011-06-04T22:09:00.004+08:00

I woke up early and ate an early breakfast. Went to see newly caught fish - there was a marlin. Played 'tok chiang' and 'la-la-la-la' in veranda while waiting for van. Went to Kota Kinabalu and boarded a boat to Pulau Sapi. Arrived there and pitched our tents. It was very difficult due to the strong wind. Went swimming in the sea. For dinner, we ate extremely delicious and new food (fist sized cockles cooked over hot coal). Sir talked about the good old days. Went walking on beach with Chun Hoo - saw wild boar. Then sat on beach chatting with Pei Yee & Chun Hoo. Saw Orion's belt. Pei Yee felt like shit and made the rest of us feel like shit.

Borneo Expedition: Day 6 - 18/12/1997 Thursday

2011-04-13T02:50:00.003+08:00

Woke up quite early and had quick breakfast (they have big yau char kuai). Went on a journey to Tamparuli. Sang all the way. It was very hot too. Walked on the longest hanging bridge in Sabah. Chun Hoo took some pictures from some weird angles. Continued journey to Pantai Emas. Stopped at Kota Belud for lunch (cheap chinese food). Reached Kampung Sungai Emas and had milo, saw some chicks. Went to Pak Cik, Mak Cik, Suzie, Abang Joe & Rozita's house. Amazed at the way Mak Cik handled big knife to cut a pineapple. Got to see traditional cigarettes but didn't try. Went birdwatching in the evening. Saw bangaus and sandpipes. More bangaus came in large flocks. Whole swamp was filled with bangaus. Ate freshly picked assam fruits. Went to catch crabs with the locals, Suzie and Rozita later at night. Used big tangguks. Moved along swamp filled with snakes. Got very dirty - whole feet was in mud. It was exciting - especially when someone spotted a snake and Rozita jumped and fell into the water. Caught myself a crab. Really had a lot of fun. Later ate dinner traditionally with my hands. Went to an Iranun wedding. Saw the menilik ceremony. Traditional musical instruments were played. Slept in the living room with everyone. Chatted with Puan Faridah, Gary and Pei Yee til rather late. Puan Faridah told us her school years and mother-in-law.

Borneo Expedition: Day 5 - 17/12/1997 Wednesday

2011-04-13T02:31:00.003+08:00

Woke up and washed clothes and had breakfast. Went to Kipungit Falls and soaked in the extremely cold water. Then went straight for canopy walk. Packed up and headed for Sabah Inn. Walked in Pasar Malam. Bought a few souvenirs (bungkau). Had dinner. Briefing in Sir's Room. Then slept.

Borneo Expedition: Day 4 - 16/12/1997 Tuesday

2011-04-07T17:51:00.003+08:00

Woke up early at 1:30 am (noisy Sings). Start journey at 2.30 am. Walk with Puan Faridah. Didn't really use the torch (bright night because of full moon). Had beautiful view of the stars. Had to actually keep up with Puan Faridah (real fast!). Met some friendly and unfriendly people on the way. Finally reached the top at 5.30 am. Took some pictures. Shivered and shaked (cold and very windy) (gloves and socks not thick enough). Had a short view of the sunrise before rained. Walked down to Laban Rata in rain. Muscles began aching. Packed up and had breakfast. Went to Poring but no accommodation so put up at Motel Florida. Went to the Hot Spring. Soaked in really really hot water with Jimmy. Walk back in the rain. Had dinner in Restoran Sri Papar. Made first phone call home. Went back and slept.

Borneo Expedition: Day 3 - 15/12/1997 Monday

2011-04-07T17:44:00.003+08:00

Had kaya + bread & milo & eggs for breakfast. Headed for Timpohon to start 6 km walk to Laban Rata. Arrived at Laban Rata after 5.5 hours. Saw squirrel & real life pitcher plants on the way. A lot of kiasu Sings on the way. Followed Puan Faridah (really fast walker). Had warm lunch, rested, went to watch sunset (real breathtaking & cold) & took pictures, had dinner (real expensive!) and slept (couldn't really - only a few hours).

Borneo Expedition: Day 2 - 14/12/1997 Sunday

2011-04-07T02:30:00.003+08:00

Had Indian food for breakfast. Went shopping for Hun Yie and Esther's face mask. Pack up. Boarded a van and crammed all the way to K. Kinabalu Park Headquarters. Unloaded stuff to lodging place (went to wrong one at first). Went for lunch in restaurant. Felt quite cold because forgot windbreaker. Went for a walk straight after. Saw some beautiful biological specimens. Eye opener (in some 'museum'). Prepared dinner (peel bawang etc). Ate, briefing, then slept (on the top bunk).

Borneo Expedition: Day 1 - 13/12/1997 Saturday

2011-04-07T02:24:00.004+08:00

Reached Subang Airport at 4:30 pm. Sent off by other OPCs. Went onboard MH2636. Sat beside David. First time in plane. Spent most of the time looking through the window and sleeping. Food sux. Stewardess frowns. Stopped at Labuan for a while. Listened to Chun Hoo's crap. Reached K. Kinabalu Airport quite late. Went on a 'limousine' cab to Sabah Inn. In room 506 with Gary, Chun Hoo and Chee Hong. Briefing during supper in Restoran Selamat. Ate roti canai.

we have contacts

2011-03-09T21:39:00.003+08:00

After two days of constantly staring into my telephone and the laptop, I have finally managed to complete data conversion for my contacts. Now all my contacts have been saved in the prescribed naming convention and entry methodology.

良かった.

But now both my temples are throbbing every 10 seconds. I know I am not suppose to stare into monitors, televisions, telephone screens, or even read books, unless they have large typeface and have been written for 7 - 8 year olds.

The night is still young. I still haven't figured out what to do.

Ouh by the way, I don't suppose anyone is interested to buy a really cheap old Nokia with semi inflated battery?

limbo

2011-03-07T00:00:00.005+08:00

Although my last working day was end of February, it did not feel as if I had been out of job for a week; but more like I was on an extended medical leave. After nursing a flu for almost a week, I am once more in tip top physical condition and no longer have any excuses to simply spend all day in bed.

So now I will have to proceed with my plans. First off I need to settle some errands here at home that I've been putting off for days, months, years.

1. Copy all my contacts from my old Nokia.

2. Take my car to the workshop and get rid of that annoying bumping noise behind.

3. Have lunch with my faculty secretary.

4. Organize and file all my statements and bills and what-nots.

5. Register for an account to trade stocks or something like that.

I suspect that all these will take me at least two weeks, minimum. Oh and perhaps too I can start on that resolution I made about exercising more. Or not.

the times they are a-changing

2011-02-21T12:24:00.002+08:00

I lost an indecent amount of money in the casino. I am about to be jobless in a week's time. The person whom I thought understood and accepted me is giving up on me. I am not getting any younger.

I have indeed hit rock bottom the second time in my life. At 30 something, I do not know if it will be easy to bounce back up. But I'd be damned if I don't try.

69

2011-01-18T23:00:00.001+08:00

Wonderful number isn't it? Sixty nine.

I didn't imagine it would be this easy. I suppose the difficult part is to redistribute it to the proper parts of my body.

resolution haha

2011-01-09T23:04:00.004+08:00

I took a break from making any proper resolutions for 2010. It was not that I felt there was nothing in my life that needed improvement; I was just in a terrible place in life at that time, so the inspiration was not there. I was too preoccupied with getting myself out of my career woes. After all, resolutions are for people with nothing better to do than sit down and think of areas in their lives to tweak.

I am in a much stable place in life now. That is why I will attempt once more to make a few resolutions this year.

Firstly I am still very appalled by the meager amount of books I read last year. This year I aim to read at least 35 books, which gives me about 1.5 weeks to finish one book. I also should probably avoid classics as those tend to make the reading process long, boring and tedious. I need to admit that I am not that refined to be able to complete the list of 100-books-to-read-before-you-die and that modern thrashy novels suit me perfectly.

Gain more weight. Specifically I want to be at least 70 kgs before the year ends. I think I look better with more flesh. Though according to some sources, my minimum weight is 75 kgs but I am thinking baby steps.

Exercise once a week (excluding sex, shopping). This is in conjunction with my aim of hitting 70 kgs this year and I want to make sure the additional weight do not only crowd around my waist. No this has nothing to do with living healthy and promoting positive lifestyle; if those were my aims, I would have resolved to quit smoking and stop drinking. But no, I will proceed to smoke and drink as I please :D

book analysis

2011-01-05T00:05:00.003+08:00

This is so sad.

I only read 27 books in 2010 as compared to 38 books in 2009.

Read more books this year...

bought (2010)

2011-01-04T23:59:00.001+08:00

01. confessions of an ugly stepsister by Gregory Maguire

02. mirror mirror by Gregory Maguire

03. stardust by Neil Gaiman

04. the tale of genji by Murasaki Shikibu

05. inferno by Dante Alighieri

06. amsterdam by Ian McEwan

07. the gathering by Anne Enright

08. the grift by Debra Ginsberg

09. nikolski by Nicolas Dickner

10. the sea, the sea by Iris Murdoch

11. middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

12. poe by Ellen Datlow

13. the 25th hour by David Benioff

14. the sandman: book of dreams by Neil Gaiman and Ed Kramer

15. the darkening by Stephen M Irwin

16. the girl on the landing by Paul Torday

17. neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

18. smoke and mirrors by Neil Gaiman

read (2010)

2011-01-04T23:53:00.003+08:00

01. mirror miror by Gregory Maguire

02. inferno by Dante Alighieri

03. the monday night cooking school by Erica Bauermeister

04. confessions of an ugly stepsister by Gregory Maguire

05. the year of living biblically by A.J. Jacobs

06. the sandman: book of dreams by Neil Gaiman and Ed Kramer

07. still alice by Lisa Genova

08. the grift by Debra Ginsberg

09. nikolski by Nicolas Dickner

10. the gathering by Anne Enright

11. middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

12. of bees and mist by Erick Setiawan

13. the 25th hour by David Benioff

14. amsterdam by Ian McEwan

15. the sea, the sea by Iris Murdoch

16. poe by Ellen Datlow

17. the associate by John Grisham

18. the girl on the landing by Paul Torday

19. neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

20. the darkening by Stephen M Irwin

21. the lace reader by Brunonia Barry

22. smoke and mirrors by Neil Gaiman

23. fup a modern fable by Jim Dodge

24. salmon fishing in the yemen by Paul Torday

25. fragile things by Neil Gaiman

26. the diving pool by Yoko Ogawa

27. the angel's game by Carlos Ruiz Zafón

droid

2010-11-09T16:39:00.001+08:00

Mobile test entry

the eleventh month

2010-11-09T14:16:00.006+08:00

Now, at the eleventh month of the year, I realised that I have not made any resolutions this year. Yea, I recall now; on the eve of 2010, I was at home alone scrubbing the toilet bowl, vacuuming and mopping the floor. I was probably too exhausted to think of making any resolutions then.

Not that I'm inspired to make any now; I am still not feeling it.

A wasted year? Yea, I guess that happens when one is not concentrating, and suddenly it is almost Christmas. It is wasted, not because nothing happened. Oh trust me, many things, good and bad, happened. But when one scrutinizes the year and barely feels any stirrings in one's heart, one may as well not have experienced that year.

supper recipe

2010-09-16T01:49:00.004+08:00

1/2 piece X large banana
1/2 piece X large fresh fig
2 tablespoons X crushed oats
1 cup X fresh milk
3 pieces X ice

Step 1: Put all ingredients into blender
Step 2: Cover lid
Step 3: Blend; first with slowest speed setting and gradually increase speed
Step 4: Pour into two cups
Step 5: Enjoy!

show no show

2010-08-22T17:09:00.007+08:00

Two important show-stopping avoidance tips that I have learned over the past 4 months:-

1. User Authorization Matrix should be determined at the earliest possible opportunity, during design phase.

2. ALWAYS have functional support to verify, if not determine, the client requirements. Client IT staff members may not know what they themselves want.

Other not-too-major-but-good-to-practice-from-now-on include:-

1. Minimize manual templates and cubes. Make them as generic as possible and of course, try very best to convince clients to use said generic template.

2. Percentage type key figures can be and should be decomposed as absolute values.

3. InfoSets can and should be loaded into Basic Cubes.

ちち

2010-05-28T21:42:00.002+08:00

Remember 5th June 1980

ice cream

2010-05-18T02:48:00.004+08:00

When I was much younger, my grandmother and I used to wait outside the house around evening. The ice cream man would come.

Peanut.

That was our favourite flavour.

her death

2010-05-18T01:02:00.006+08:00

She was rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead at 1610H +8GMT 17.05.2010. An hour later my dad sent me a facebook message. 3 hours later I was on a plane heading back home. Now I am sitting alone in my room at home; willing the tears to flow for my grandmother.

But they do not come.

Oh have I really become so heartless... what kind of monster am i...

just another city

2010-03-29T23:01:00.008+08:00

When I first started my career, there is the allure of travel. The opportunity of living in other countries for months. The excitement of discovering beautiful and exotic locales. The chance to finally see the world. All expenses paid.

I wanted it so badly that during my reviews every year, I would put a remark that I would love to be considered for out of the country assignments. My break finally came last year and I was posted to another country for 4 months. Then I relocated to a different state for a couple of months. Now I am working in yet another country for a month already. And if all things remain optimistic, I will be moving on to a different country for another few months.

It does seem like I have not been in my own city for a bit now. But in reality, the length of me being away is not even half of my working career so far. Yet the prevailing sense of been-there-done-that is slowly overcoming me.

A few months is not a terribly long time. Not long enough definitely to be considered a local. Yet at the same time, due to the nature of the travel (for work as opposed to for leisure), I do not feel the wanderlust. Work takes up a majority of my waking hours and when I get back from work, I just want to not do anything and laze in my hotel room. And when weekends come, it is time to hibernate.

To me, a leisure travel is one I can put away my work from my mind. Not a care about anything but perhaps where next to sightsee. Because I cannot fully purge work thoughts from my head, it makes all my out of country assignments as just assignment and all of these other cities as just another city.

away from home

2010-03-13T21:58:00.002+08:00

What I love most about assignments away from home is, surprisingly, not that I get to visit another country. Somehow visiting a foreign country for work is not quite the same as visiting for leisure. For one, my mind is focused on work, rightfully so, instead of gallivanting about and seeing sights. It is not really a choice; I get pretty worked up on new assignments, anxious whether or not I could deliver or if I had been correctly assigned for a job that fits my skills.

What I love most about assignments away from home is also not that I get to travel in aeroplanes. I admit that I do get a thrill from it... but in moderate doses. Too frequent of travelling does cause the body to tire. I suppose it is glamourous to fly about for work but it saps the energy out of me.

What I love most about assignments away from home is the bath tub in the hotels. I rather enjoy taking a really long and hot bath after a day's work. With a cup of coffee, a good book and cigarettes (bad bad). Speaking of which, I think I might just go do that now :D

sol·ip·sism

2010-03-04T16:38:00.005+08:00

–noun

1. Philosophy. the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.

2. extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

e.g
I am stuck in a relationship with a solipsistic guy who has no notion of anything else apart from himself and his work.

make a choice

2010-02-27T17:30:00.002+08:00

Choose money
Choose 30% increment
Choose relocation
Choose to leave this place because you cannot deal with your friends anymore
Choose a new life
Choose a room
Choose an apartment
Choose to live with him because you are too darn lazy to search for a housemate
Choose a queen size bed
Choose a set of bedsheets
Choose a matching fleece blanket that sheds

Choose to surf because you have no work
Choose to surf independant news websites because everything else that is fun is blocked
Choose to eat lunch alone because you do not quite fit in
Choose to skip tea break because you do not quite fit in
Choose early dinner because your housemate does not eat

Choose to do something about current predicament
Choose to be selfish and abandon it all
Choose attrition
Choose not to greet colleagues because they have stopped responding to your greetings
Choose to stop attending meetings where people spend 30 minutes nominating and voting for a team name
Choose not to be threatened by housemate who is pissed off that you made a choice that ill-benefits him

Choose happiness
Choose 30% decrement
Choose relocation
Choose to leave this place because you cannot deal with your work anymore
Choose your old life

Choose to choose
Make a choice today

family matters

2010-02-15T00:48:00.003+08:00

When I was younger, I never quite put this much concern over family matters. I never used to prioritize them this much (which is not very a lot so to speak, but it used to be even less).

I open up a lot more to them. I establish more communication with them. I share my things more freely. And all has been rather well.

Until a few hours ago.

When I found out that my seven year old and totally unlady like niece has put an ugly scratch on my barely one month old LED television.

It is ruined now. My heart is breaking.

I hate kids.

And when she visits again in a few days time I hope she will not be surprised to find that my doors are locked for her.

Forever.

i comes before u

2010-02-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

You looked at me with those eyes. Eyes that were devoid of the usual chirpiness that you put on for the rest of the world. And now only filled with anger and resentment.

You hate me. I had the audacity to think for myself. I prioritized seeking job fulfillment over honouring the rental agreement. You called me selfish.

I will not deny that. I will not deny that because I am selfish. But so are you, even if you do not think that you are. And probably everyone else, whether or not they admit it. Except Mother Theresa maybe.

I am only selfish because ultimately I failed to serve your selfish cause. Because in your selfish mind, you cared only about the potential rental issue that affects you instead of my work/career woe that obviously does not affect you.

So please, save the hurt act. Save the wronged act. Save the self righteous act.

emo indie films

2010-02-05T01:09:00.004+08:00

Listening to Mogwai's Secret Pint playing on the sidebar of the blog reminds me that it has been too long a time that I last indulged in a really emo indie film.

With an equally emo soundtrack. I wonder what emo indie films are out there right now. It will be nice to feel something other than rage and disgust.

2009 - a review of resolutions

2010-01-05T23:16:00.007+08:00

In terms of my alcoholic habits, I fared generally well last year. Apart from the three somewhat expected occasions last year; Company annual dinner, Company annual meeting and Christmas party; I had managed to abide to the number of units of alcoholic beverage per night that I have set for myself. I am rather pleased with myself for this; no drunken drama, no damaged properties. Perhaps I should consider to repeat this resolution for 2010. Big pat on my own back :D

I was pretty certain that the one resolution I would keep is the no karaoke resolution but alas I have faltered. It could have been disastrous I admit. But in the end, no unpleasantness occurred and I guess that was the entire point of the resolution in the first place. The event could not be avoided I reckon; I was not told before hand of the plan so when I got there it was already too late to back out, and it was to be a farewell gathering for myself and I did not think that it would be very polite to not turn up.

The third resolution was somewhat set to fail from the very start; the one where I was suppose to learn something new, like watercolour painting or pottery. No regrets on this one. I never even put an ounce of effort into this. Somehow the year just went by without much of the initial desire to make the year any different from the last.

damaged

2010-01-04T18:16:00.007+08:00

Made myself a hot cocoa drink this morning. Then I proceeded to spread some cheese on slices of multigrained bread that I intend to eat for lunch today. When I got to the end of the loaf, the slice with the most crust, I suddenly saw dull green patches on it. I immediately searched the other slices and noticed the dull green patches that I had somehow missed earlier.

Disgusted and repulsed, I threw everything away. What a waste of perfectly fine cheese spread. I reckon that is the correct response though; to throw all that is damaged. Although arguably, I could have attempted to scrape the mold off the bread slices and eat the unaffected part. Of course there is a possibility that the other parts were merely visually unaffected.

bought (2009)

2010-01-03T21:12:00.002+08:00

01. salmon fishing in the yemen by Paul Torday

02. the magicians by Lev Grossman

03. fragile things by Neil Gaiman

04. anansi boys by Neil Gaiman

05. kokoro by Soseki Natsume

06. the diving pool by Yoko Ogawa

07. the remains of the day by Kazuo Ishiguro

08. good omens: the nice and accurate prophecies of agnes nutter, witch by Terry Pratchet & Neil Gaiman

08. a lion among men by Gregory Maguire

09. the white tiger by Aravind Adiga

10. city of thieves by David Benioff

11. the togakushi legend murders by Yasuo Uchida

12. american gods by Neil Gaiman

13. confessions of an old boy the dato hamid adventures by Kam Raslan

14. god is dead by Ron Currie, Jr.

15. adverbs by Daniel Handler

16. the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon

17. the graveyard book by Neil Gaiman

18. how i became stupid by Martin Page

19. dial m for merde by Stephen Clarke

20. merde happens by Stephen Clarke

21. hero by Perry Moore

read (2009)

2010-01-03T21:08:00.002+08:00

01. grace by Linn Ullmann

02. the magicians by Lev Grossman

03. kokoro by Soseki Natsume

04. anansi boys by Neil Gaiman

05. the other hand by Chris Cleave

06. the post-birthday world by Lionel Shriver

07. good omens: the nice and accurate prophecies of agnes nutter, witch by Terry Pratchet & Neil Gaiman

08. the remains of the day by Kazuo Ishiguro

09. a lion among men by Gregory Maguire

10. cathedral of the sea by Ildefonso Falcones

11. nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro

12. michael tolliver lives by Armistead Maupin

13. map of the invisible world by Tash Aw

14. american gods by Neil Gaiman

15. we need to talk about kevin by Lionel Shriver

16. on chesil beach by Ian McEwan

17. the gargoyle by Andrew Davidson

18. the white tiger by Aravind Adiga

19. the gum thief by Douglas Coupland

20. the book of general ignorance by John Llyod and John Mitchinson

21. city of thieves by David Benioff

22. the togakushi legend murders by Yasuo Uchida

23. confessions of an old boy the dato hamid adventures by Kam Raslan

24. god is dead by Ron Currie, Jr.

25. adverbs by Daniel Handler

26. this side of paraside by F. Scott Fitzgerald

27. the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon

28. wuthering heights by Emily Brontë

29. the gift of rain by Tan Twan Eng

30. people of the book by Geraldine Brooks

31. blind faith by Ben Elton

32. dial m for merde by Stephen Clarke

33. the graveyard book by Neil Gaiman

34. how i became stupid by Martin Page

35. merde happens by Stephen Clarke

36. hero by Perry Moore

37. the irresistible inheritance of wilberforce by Paul Torday

38. blood of flowers by Anita Amirrezvani

last of the great love

2009-10-07T16:40:00.004+08:00

Technically speaking it did not even qualify as a breakup. But the effects felt all the same to me. I never did quite find out how he felt after it. Angry maybe. Although now, fastforward three months later, how he feels holds little significance as compared to how he thinks.

I dealt with it not quite as if it were a breakup. I have never subscribed to retail therapy to remedy a broken heart. Although after a week, I came to recognize that I did not suffer from a broken heart but rather from something else I do not quite have the brains to label or understand. A complex cauldron of emotions brewed with uneven flames. Some parts stayed relatively stagnant while others bubbled to the brim. In the end, the prominent emotion that emerged victorious was anger. It was not all too difficult to nurture anger, with all that replays of the Taxi Scene in my head.

Unjust perhaps.

During the first few days when despair played an important role, I shopped irrationally, ate splurgingly, reinvented my style disapprovedly and finally marked the event permanently onto myself. Ironically, instead of getting an inking to tell me that it was high time to move on with my life, I chose a symbol that represents eternal recurrence; all this has happened before and all this will happen again. The end is the beginning is the end is the beginni.. well so on and so forth. Perhaps it will serve to remind myself that time indeed is circular and not linear. I move towards the end but in the same circle. I repeat that that I have shackled myself to. It may be in a different place, time or even people but these are unimportant factors. The most important aspect of my life is me myself and if that in essence remained the same so will my life. Well, in essence. This whole circular notion may sound eeriely too karmic and nirvanic but I have not the faith to stomach all that organized religious teachings. To me, this is about the physical realm of four dimensions, nothing to do with spirituality.

I digress. But I suppose the inking hurt way too much and I decided that I will snap out of this out of the norm behaviour. Perhaps the needle jolted some dormant synapses that in turn whipped my thoughts into cohesion and rationality.

Of course I was despaired. This was the closest thing to love that I have been holding on to all these years. Though, I knew with conviction that this feeling I harbored was not allowed to go anywhere, and so there was no pursuit. I made sure I did not do anything that could harm the friendship and I was certain that he has not a clue about it. I was fine with this arrangement; him not knowing and me silently holding a torch. I can not say for sure though if the love I felt was a friendship sort of love or otherwise. But what does it matter anyway? Love is love is love. Although I did nothing to pursue, the feeling must have manifested itself in other ways. I admit I was a little kinder to him compared to my other friends; maybe because of that flame I lit for him in my heart or maybe I could empathize with his shortcomings due to my own psychological experiences. Even so, this is not something I obsess about every waking moment of my life. In a way, it has been there so long that it has become part of the landscape; nothing I have to confront or deal with and I was alright with it just being there.

And one fine day I found out that he was not as clueless as I had thought or hoped.

We got into the Taxi; I sat on the left and him on the right. We talked for a while about trip that we have just returned from. Somehow, as the conversation progress, I began to develop a sick feeling in the gut. He was steering the conversation in a direction that I have no love for. With each passing moment his tone grew angrier and the situation grew tense. But I knew what he was getting at. Can you be a little more cruel to me? Like how you are to your best friends? was what he finally said. But what he meant was Can you stop having these feelings for me? And with that the dynamics we had came crashing down; the sudden implosion in the chest, the involuntary swelling of the tear glands, the conscious effort to repress the flow, the realisation that tomorrow I will wake up a different person.

What made it even more despairing was the way the scene played out; him lashing out at me with harsh tones. Then tension and silence hung thickly in the Taxi. We lost the words to say to each other. The Taxi did not move fast enough and we were forced to deal with the situation. I could not bear to look at him and so I stared out of the Taxi. The gears and clockworks in my head went on overdrive. This dynamics worked perfectly with the assumption that he remains in the dark about the matters of my heart. I had been found out now. The delicate balance of the scales had been disrupted. So deep in my thoughts, coupled with the gushes of emotions devoiding and engorging in my chest, I had not realised that he was preparing the final blow. I turned to look at him and his next words stopped my racing thoughts on their tracks. With eyes empty of all human compassion but a glint of rage, he asked me coldly Hurts doesn't it?

For the next week, I had trouble sitting on the left side of a Taxi; just reminded me too much of the Taxi scene. I was determined to blog about it but I had trouble sorting my thoughts and putting them into sentences. And talking about it to friends was tricky because I did not want it to get back to him. I could not even dismiss him because, well, we are friends. I was thankful that I had to leave to country for a while and I made sure I did not come back for as long as I could. But that did not stop him from calling. He called often, because it did seem that I was the only one who could or would entertain his troubles. I had to force myself to deal with him. Not that anything has changed in terms of the dynamics, but now with certain facts out in the open, it is at best precarious.

What I was left wondering though is why he chose to confront me about it after all these years. Since he claimed that he had come to know about it almost half a decade ago and I had made sure I have not crossed any boundaries. Hell, he even admitted that I have never made him feel uncomfortable or made any advances. I did ask him, but he did not want to deal with it. I guess his mind was somewhere else... or everywhere else for that matter.

eternal recurrence

2009-07-28T21:20:00.004+08:00

There is a concept that many people I know subscribe to. According to this concept, there is a clear distinction between friends and everyone else in the eligible pool. On top of that distinction, dynamics can only flow one way; from everyone else to friends and even when you cease being friends you are not allowed back into that pool of eligibility. Dating is only permitted with members of the eligible pool; dating friends is deemed incestuous.

Fine I guess. I can live with people living like that. As I too did live like that once upon a time. But people change; mostly superficially and they remain the same person inside, but sometimes our core can change too. I am sure mine did; this aspect of my core at least. After the end, I started realising that I never really knew all the people I dated, or when I did find out who they were in the end, I had to break their hearts, or have mine broken. From then on I decided that I want to do things differently. I want to know exactly what it is I am getting myself into. I want to be friends first before even considering to date.

The irony? Is that when I find someone I could get along with and decide to start dating, we would have been friends long enough for the other party to remove me from the pool of eligible everyone else into friends. Such is the fate I bear for choosing this path. But it is alright, I can accept that my beliefs are not shared by many. I can even resign to the fact that there is nothing that I can or should do when conflicting concepts occur.

For the other path is one I had threaded on time and again; dating strangers, hoping that the attraction will compensate for the fact that we had not got the slightest idea who the other person is, trying to love somone who we may not even like all that much.

All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

Or will it?

autrefois

2009-07-24T16:13:00.002+08:00

Right after my previous entry, I suddenly felt like I was back home and it has been a while. Or rather I suddenly felt. An emotional stirring of sort of how I used to be. That reminded me that I have not been feeling in a while. No I do not mean I have not felt tired, sleepy, physical pain, or stressed even. Those are physical and mental artifacts.

Granted that my earlier entry consisted mainly of rationalisations, I find the process to be emotionally fulfilling. I can not exactly say what it was I felt though. Maybe an ancient emotion whose name I have forgotten. It only lasted a moment. But it was a good moment.

Un bon moment autrefois.

happy birthday

2009-07-24T15:50:00.006+08:00

If life is reluctant to shine its light on you, know that you can lay your hand on my shoulder and we shall continue to try and move forward. Until your eyes can see in the dark and realise that you don't have to stay where you are just because the path infront is not illuminated. Because we are built to be resilient and we can get used to darkness and still move forward.

I have often said one too many things in my life. Some, I wish I had not said because people have used them as weapons. Not that I can blame them entirely even. I can put myself in their shoes and perhaps understand where they are coming from. Why they could possibly feel so cheated or wronged by the things I have said. Though I do not agree with their views.

I suppose all my statements should come with a validity period. Actually, everything in life has a shelf life. So why is it that most people, sometimes myself included, feel that certain things or concepts should last til the end of time? Like friendships for example. For far too long we have thrown acronyms like BFF so frivolously and perhaps we have fooled ourselves into thinking that some things are as certain as the rising sun. Even the sun will cease to rise one day and the planets will go flying off their orbits.

Resorting to cliches, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In the long term. At this moment, I am certain that I still need more food. I am certain I will smoke another cigarette before leaving work. I am certain that despite being at work now and not doing my work I will be commented for being efficient rather than lazy. I am certain there are dead things in the crypts and cloisters of my heart. But I do not know if I still need food two hours later. I do not know if I will get a promotion two months later. I do not know if I will still smoke two years later. I do not know if those dead things will resurrect themselves on my final days.

For now.

It is not that I do not mean the things I say. I mean every word I say, when I say them. With passion and conviction. For that moment. Does not make it any less true though just because it is not unchanging. People who think they reside in an unchanging world should do themselves a favour and get a reality check. So what happens is that people regard my expired but once true words as lies. They hold it against me and attempt to either get me to act my words or to admit that I never meant those words to begin with. But I can not! Because I did mean those words... but not anymore. Things happen and affect one another inexplicably because we live in a dynamic world.

Love. Now that's tricky. Because according to some, the very definition of that word includes a clause that says ever after. Is it not possible to love but only for the moment? Or is it because it is only for the moment that it cannot be love? So what is it called? Like? Even like only differs from love in terms of intensity, not time. I can very possibly like a person for a very long time. But I suppose I can not, by definition, love a person for a brief moment.

But I have.

the minor league

2009-05-24T02:15:00.001+08:00

Sitting on my bed at this hour of the night, about 15 hours to my imminent departure, I am suddenly confronted by myriad emotions. All at once, it is beginning to dawn upon me that I am leaving this place for a while. Quite a while.

I have known of this for a month already but I kept pushing it to the corner of my mind; somewhat convinced that somewhere along the way it will get postponed or cancelled. And postponed it was a couple of times. I decided not to deal with something I cannot truly perceive as a certainty.

The story has changed though; people are expecting me to be there, flights have been confirmed, accommodation secured, bags somewhat packed. It is now without a doubt that by this time tomorrow, I shall no longer slumber on local soil.

I recognize and admit that I am feeling a little frightened with regards to that. Despite having want to work abroad my entire career, now face to face with it, I wonder where have all the thrill and excitement gone to. Why is it that all I feel now is anxiety? That somehow things will ultimately go wrong or I will end up more miserable than before.

I recently went on a vacation for several days. I enjoyed the experience, not entirely but enough to say that the vacation was a success. And even so, I had missed the comforts of my own home and also the companies I am used to having. I remember feeling glad to be back when the plane docked itself.

And now a few days later, I am off to another location and this time for a far longer period. Perhaps it is cumulative; coupling the effects of the vacation and now the new foreign work location. But it is a negativity that I need to deal with because I am choosing to accept this work assignment. Cold logic.

That aside and on a much larger scale, I am still frightened. I am scared that I might have grown my roots here too strongly. I am afraid of my complacency with my current living condition. I am a little frightened by the dependencies I have on people around me.

This is just 4 months, what happens when it is for good? Will I have the strength or courage to go through with it? Or will I be too far rooted, too comfortable and too dependent to budge?

truly i am a nice person :)

2009-04-30T17:41:00.002+08:00

What is this about me being nice? People, some of them at least, seem to think that I am a nice and kind person. Mostly based on the fact that... hmm actually I do not know based on what fact.

Maybe because:-
1. I have once attempted to save a dog that was involved in a road accident. Admitted the dog into the animal hospital and tracked down the dog's owner. On the other hand, I have no qualms eating dog meat :D I know most of my friends are dog lovers (not because they are tasty) and will probably hate me for wanting to eat dog meat, but that is just who I am. People who really know me would probably assume that I would eat dog meat given the chance, even if I denied it.

2. I often offer to drive long distance on trips and holidays. But I do not do it out of any consideration for other people. I love driving long distance, except when I do not have enough sleep. But I generally enjoy long haul drives; driving at such high speeds, feeling the wind violently caress (slap?) my face, getting the impression that I am actually moving between two separate and vastly different locations. No, I do it for me; not for any of you.

To make matters worse, I sometimes have violent thoughts in my head. Thoughts spawned by the darkest pits of my heart. I would picture afflicting physical trauma on other people, so vivid that I could practically feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins, and I would be clenching my teeth so hard. It is often the same scenario; the other person on the ground in a foetal position trying to avoid the impact, me standing overhead, focusing all my strength on my right leg before I repeatedly and violently kick the other person's torso. Good thing is that it is all in my head, else I would have gotten into trouble with the law.

And my mouth... shall we even go there? But I don't mean to be evil. Although the words that come out of my mouth are often diabolical but humourous. I do not really care to be evil to anyone. I just say it because it is amusing :D But just because I do not mean it does not mean it is not (evil).

Seriously, I do not see anything nice about me. But... if you guys insist... okayyyyyyy.

the magic is not in the make up

2009-04-30T16:33:00.001+08:00

I met a few new people at a party recently. It was a themed party that required my virginal brush with a semi-professional make up artist. Although the party was not a drag, suffice to say that my image that night was painted with layers of femininity. Thankfully for you lot, for your own sake, no such sequel has been planned as yet.

Being the judgemental creatures that we are, those new acquaintances were already forming opinions in that short 6 hours spent together. Most of them were kind and positive impressions. She thought that I was so hot and he thought I was really good at video games and was the most straight looking guy that night. Gee, even with all that powder and colour on my face!

One might consider it a compliment I suppose; to be reckoned as hot and straight looking. But if I were to consider being straight looking a compliment, inversely, it means that I consider being gay looking an insult. I would then be guilty of internal homophobia.

Well, even without having to go into all that pseudo-philosophizing, being straight looking does not personally mean anything to me. But it got me thinking that maybe I ought to gay it up a little. Heterosexual females think I am hot. Heterosexual males think I am straight looking. Homosexual males... just do not see me. My sort of hotness seems to only appeal to heterosexual females. Actually, I do not even know how to describe my hotness. But it is definitely not the hunky dory, clean cut, tidy hair sort that is stereotypically hot to homosexual males.

Anyway, I shall stop this self-indulgent discussion about how hot I am. I do not think I will gay it up anytime soon though. The notion of needing to be hot to other homosexual males is currently irrelevent.

i deserve...

2009-04-12T18:01:00.001+08:00

I always hear people say or read on the internet that we as human beings deserve to be happy. By mere virtue of us having the capacity of emotions. It sure is nice to think of happiness this way; an inherent aspect of my being that is my birth right. The default emotion is happiness; everything else is just circumstantial.

But I also see people who are miserable and quite deservingly so. They seem hellbent on making their lives a torture. As they sow, so shall they reap. Which is only logical actually; you only get get what you give, as you have made your bed so you shall lie upon it.

Extrapolating the idea, does that also mean that happiness is attainable only to those who make an effort on it? After all, according to an online dictionary, the very word deserve means: -

transitive verb : to be worthy of : merit <deserves another chance>
intransitive verb : to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital deserve — T. S. Eliot>

So maybe people should stop whining about life when they have not even lifted one finger to make a difference about it. So maybe I should stop thinking that I deserve happiness when I have done absolutely nothing to acquire it.

But that is all fine. Because it makes perfect sense to me.

the joy of being ill

2009-03-31T16:42:00.002+08:00

I feel utterly, literally sick now. I have been feeling this way since yesterday. I could have taken a leave of absence yesterday and/or today, but I did not. Apart from the fact that I have completely utilized all my medical leaves to date, these two days are also my last days in my current assignment. I know I have not been a model employee, but even someone like me feels that I should not make myself scarce at a time like this.

So here I am now, in the office, feeling like a leaky faucet. My focus not quite present with me. My body mostly feels like plopping and melding into my bed. Well those aside, being ill does have its benefits; I am no longer plagued by the nonsensical desire to feel physical proximity to another fellow human. In fact, I have a medical obligation to stay away from other humans. I can not process any complex thoughts now. I just want all these constant sneezings and blowings to go away.

Remind self to purchase anti-histamine, paracetamol and lozenges.

and the wanting comes in waves

2009-03-28T14:21:00.004+08:00

Everyday I go about my routine but purposeful life contented. What I do everyday is what I am meant to do at this exact point in time in this precise place on earth. I am not overly joyful but I guess more importantly I am not filled with misery. Although sometimes I wonder if I am mistaking my emotional void for contentment. Maybe it is not only that I do not feel happy nor sad, but that I do not feel. Period.

Once every now and then, it seems like the invisible barrier that puts my emotions at bay cracks a little. Mostly I am able to deal with the sudden trickle of emotions. These few days though, the trickle seems to have grown larger to an actual stream. These feelings make me want more than my life is able to provide right now. There is an intense urge to want to feel emotionally appreciated; love and its tender touch. The need to experience human warmth on my skin.

This makes being around people difficult. I am torn between irrational wants and rational behaviour. On one hand there is the primal urge to tenderly caress another person and on the other I have to keep the urge in check due to social decency.

lost things

2009-03-26T01:02:00.002+08:00

I watched a movie from the early nineties. Bad hair. Terrible sense of fashion. And the picture... I mean the video... had a certain quality to it. Poor quality one would say; noisy, non-vibrant colours. But that was not what I was trying to say. The picture has a certain timelessness to it. Wait no. Not timeless. But rather time long gone by, swept away ever so permanently. Irretrievable.

Is this nostalgia...?

I will not find any new film with that sort of grainy and dull pictures. These pictures came from an era long lost. And with it, other things were long lost too. Youth. Innocence. Safe distance from mortality, especially the people around me; they seem to have suddenly aged tremendously.

I cried tonight. For all the things that were lost.

truly you can read me like an open book

2009-03-25T18:12:00.000+08:00

Ask me anything about myself and I will definitely tell you. As best as I can. Even the nitty-gritty details. It is the one thing I have always prided myself on. Being absolutely transparent. Not having the need to hide.

On the other extreme though, I keep to myself most of the time. But if you ask, I will not withhold information. I mean, if you are not interested in my story, then I should not be so full of myself and go blabbering on and on. It is not as if I have the most interesting and adventurous stories to share.

You can read me like an open book, but you need to flip it open first. Details details details. I will spare you none. But despite my intentions, I still come off as an enigma to most people. Which is a big surprise to me; I thought that everyone who ever wanted to know me knows everything there is to know about me. Short of broadcasting my life, I am honest and generous with details of my life stories. It really baffles me.

I can understand if people think I am reserved. After all, I do not go around volunteering information to people. I have been described as someone who does not speak unless spoken to. And also as someone who will divulge information but only sufficiently. And somewhat lacking, not in details or facts but in something one can not put a finger on.

Huh? Excuse me? What are these people going on about?

Eventually, I managed to put a finger on it. It seems that I narrate my stories as-a-matter-of-factly, with sentences devoid of emotions. Too much focus on the completeness of details and total lack of concern for the human part of it. My stories will not tell you how I feel in them. There is a sense of self-detachment, as if I was merely a spectator. Which is a good thing in a way; impartiality is good when facts are the priority and emotions tend to influence perception on facts. You will know my stories but you will not feel for them. I wonder though if it is because I too do not feel for them or because I keep my emotional aspect private.

It's still true though; you can read me like an open book... but a book that is written to present facts, like your academic text books.

ちち

2009-03-25T11:58:00.003+08:00

All these years I have been playing a particular scene in my head. It is when I would finally meet him; the one who has left me all these years and has nurtured a void that is quite impossible to fill.

Away from the bustling city, the meeting would take place on a hill slope. Grassy greens and with a few large shady trees. I would sit under a tree next to him and talk to him. I would tell him about all those years without him, all my joys and miseries, how I have finally become the person I am today. The occasional cool breeze would bring me back to the present and I would be distracted from my tales. Staring into the unknown future, with him by my side. I would be at peace.

It finally came; that day.

I drove up that small hill at the outskirts of the city in the scorching late morning sun. Among the countless urns, he stood. Waiting for my arrival all these years. He was dressed in his graduation robe. Clear skinned and long fringed. Exactly like how he would have looked like 30 over years ago. I was expecting something to move inside me. But everything was still. I stood in front of him, not knowing what to say or feel. Not saying or feeling anything.

5 or maybe 10 minutes ticked past before I was summoned for the rituals. And like that, the experience I waited for my entire life had come and gone. Not as romantic as I had imagined. But at least now I know where he rests. I will visit again, when it is not that crowded.

broken resolution: inebriety

2009-03-17T14:48:00.005+08:00

Broke my alcoholic resolution over the weekend. But it was not a surprise. You can even say that it had been anticipated, considering that I made transport arrangements that did not involve me driving. Good thing that nothing terrible happened even though I was through and through drenched in alcohol. But terrible things seem to prefer to take place in karaokes and I was not in one.

truly i do not care what you think

2009-03-05T16:36:00.003+08:00

Just because you say something does not make it true. Arguably, if you perceive something in a certain way then that becomes your truth. Even so, that is your truth which is not necessarily the truth for everyone, except those who share your perception.

At times when people are inflicted with self-doubt, they may be influenced into believing another person's version of themselves. Or certain people who actually live on other people's affirmations and approvals; then external perceptions play a prominent role in these people's determination of reality and eventually their course of action.

My friends think that I lie on the opposite pole. I have no regards for what other people think about me. I have the ability to ignore what other people feel about me. Negative ones mostly. I go about my life the way I want it and not how other people think I should. Do not get me wrong though, I do believe that you are free to think about me however you want; you are well within your rights to do so. Just as I am free to form opinions about you. Or even opinions about the world. But please do not be so arrogant as to think of your perceptions as universal and absolute.

There are way too many people out there who will be impatient to offer you unwanted opinions. Perhaps there is a secret to keeping everyone happy but I imagine that it would take tremendous amount of effort. If I do not drop dead from exhaustion first.

Having said all that though, my friends are not exactly right about me. Most of the time it may appear that I totally reject what others say or think about me but that is just on the surface. I do analyse what others say before letting them bother me. It is just that so little of the things people say resonate within me, hence very easy to let them bounce off.

Right now I do not care about my hair, so what you say about my hair means nothing to me. I believe in impermanence and constant change, so if you think that things will always stay the same go ahead and believe that but don't expect me to share that faith. Unless I myself arrive at that same conclusion through some thought process. But do not take credit for that because you are not the reason, merely the trigger.

I sometimes think that my ability to so easily disregard is attributed to (ok this is going to sound crazy) me being able to distant emotionally from myself. I am not sure how to exactly word this, or if it is even going to make any sense. It is as if I can shut off any emotional interference and rely purely on rationale to analyse. Well, I suppose if I take a few steps back and look at it objectively, I can even conclude that I am simply emotionally unavailable.

Being human though, I definitely do not always react in a predictable and prescribed manner. Sometimes I behave out of the book; when my brain functions are (temporarily) impaired via substance abuse or psychological trauma.

heal: begin to date again, slowly but surely

2009-02-26T19:05:00.002+08:00

Begin to date again, slowly by surely
Date slowly and with all sorts of people. Do not use my ex as a yardstick. Enjoy the presence of the new person in my life for whom he is.

My first reaction is to roll my eyes. I simply refuse to believe that the ultimate reason why I would want to move on is so I can date again. Of course I would want to date again, but other issues also come into play apart from having moved on. There is the issue of freedom. No, I am not talking about the freedom to bang anything on two legs with dangly bits in between. It is the freedom to do whatever I wish to do without having to answer to anyone. Like if I wish to one day move to another country. Or if I want to buy a new car tomorrow. Or going for a roadtrip next week. You know, the sort of freedom that comes with singlehood. But honestly, I am not as free as I wish I could be; I am bounded by financial constraints and work-commitments.

When I start to date again, I definitely would not use my ex to measure anyone. What? I am not that twisted. But yardsticks and measures never really posed any problems for me; I never got to know them properly anyway, and them me. It is pointless to elaborate on non-definitive yardsticks.

So the final entry. According to the website. For now.

No, I have not achieved enlightenment. There is no miracle. I know, this series feels too unconcluded, with no proper closure. Partly because I have not moved on completely, and also because I do not fully agree with the series's proposed purpose of moving on. I just know there is more to life than finding a mate.

What I want is to make peace with the past. To find the ability in me to forgive him and myself. To be able to look back and say man, what an experience that was and smile from the bottom of my heart.

Only effort, sweat and blood will yield results. Hard shall I work.

fuck off, please

2009-02-25T18:20:00.001+08:00

I should really stop being hard on myself. Normal people say society-condoned witty and generally-accepted funny things. I make crude and evil remarks. They are meant to be amusing without any ill intentions though but most people just do not get it. Or share different values when it comes to humour.

Maybe it just was not his day.

I usually just shut up anyway with people. But he said something about me being too quiet and I assumed, my bad, that since he asked that of me, it gave me the right to be myself with him. I guess we're strangers after all.

And I know he is better off than me in many ways, but he did not have to lace his sentences with condescensions. I think I am done dealing with this.

So, fuck off, please.

heal: know when it’s time to date again

2009-02-25T17:30:00.004+08:00

Following the website.

Know when it's time to date again
I am allowed to date again if I have given myself enough time to work through my emotions. I guess that means all the previous steps listed. I need to be honest about how I feel. I should try to achieve a state of indifference. And if I bumped into him, it is alright to feel a little bit of pain, but I am advised not to be physically violent.

Indifferent is what I hope I could be whenever other people tell me things about him. But he gets to me during those times. I would feel irked and hoped that people would just spare me the information. Wishing, not so secretly, that he would somehow vanish from the face of the earth, or just die. Though I guess that would give people more to talk about.

Honestly, I longed for the day when I can listen to people talk about him and genuinely smile and say Good for him and actually mean it. I feel that that day is not very far away. But I still need to work towards it. I think these entries, the ones this month, have helped. Even if just a little.

With regards to dating again, moving on is not the only deciding factor. There are other reasons why a person would not want to date just yet even if he has moved on.

heal: picture the day when you’ll be happy again

2009-02-25T12:12:00.001+08:00

According to this website.

Picture the day when you'll be happy again
The relationship with my ex is over for a reason; we were not right for each other. That means the one absolutely right for me is still out there. *scoffs*. Picture the right person for me and the sort of relationship I want. I deserve to be happy.

Picture? Like daydream?

Yes damn it I deserve to be happy. However, I do not agree with the website that my happiness lies in the hands of another person. I do not believe that finding the right person and having a loving relationship should be the be all and end all of life. There are so much more life has to offer other than romantic relationship.

What is so wrong with being happy alone?

Back then, I used to picture my life in the future. It usually involves an apartment unit with large glass panels, on a very high floor, the rain beating on the glass panels, a mug of coffee and a good book. I sit on a couch with high back rest with my coffee and book, feeling contented. Not necessarily exhilaratingly happy but definitely fulfilled.

These days I do not think of the future anymore; there are more pressing matters in the present, like how to strengthen my finances and work related issues. My life is not rapturous. I am merely contented. But that, I suppose, is going towards the correct direction.

heal: take care of yourself

2009-02-24T11:24:00.004+08:00

The next step listed on the website.

Take care of yourself
Eat right. Exercise. Be kind to your body. Go out and meet friends. In short, be functional.

Functionally speaking, I am doing rather well. I eat my lunches on all my weekdays. Dinners and suppers too. I walk a good distance from my parking lot to my office. I meet my friends a few times a week. Most importantly, I go to work.

Honestly though, I do not live my life as wholesome as possible. I sometimes skip my weekend meals. My weekday meals definitely do not consist of all the major food groups in their correct proportions. I introduce carcinogens into my system. I hardly sweat from all that walking. I have no social proficiency. I am not in love with my work.

But hey, I have been like this for the longest time. Even before the beginning. But I do consider myself to be functional enough that this is one step that is a non-issue.

Although myself esteem does not seem healthy enough. But that is probably due to other reasons. So many totally non-related reasons.

translates to stfu

2009-02-23T14:38:00.005+08:00

Maybe today is just not my day. Or maybe today I am myself. All I really wanted to do was to tell him that his hair looked strange. I mean in case he did not realise that, someone should point it out to him. I did that but without much tact. I thought I was funny but he seemed to find it annoying. His opinion, rather than mine, would be a more accurate representation of society's view.

I hit all his buttons and I think he reached his limit because in the end he said If you don't have anything constructive to say, then don't say anything at all. Quite irritated I am sure. Fine by me. Just don't ever ask me why I am so quiet when I'm out.

Because I do not have anything constructive to say.

Then again, it is better to be regarded as annoying than not to be regarded at all. Man, I sound fickle.

heal: allow yourself to be angry and sad in a healthy way

2009-02-23T00:33:00.003+08:00

Continuing from the steps to moving on website.

Allow yourself to be angry and sad in a healthy way
It is alright to feel these emotions as long as I do not hurt myself or others. I should channel and release these emotions via wholesome methods.

I guess that rules out alcohol, cigarettes or drugs. In retrospect, perhaps my occassional alcoholic abuses were desperate attempts to exorcise my anger and sadness.

I do feel angry and sad but not intensely though and not all the time as well. They come about with the correct triggers. I try to keep them in check with my conscious mind. But who knows what is going on in my subconscious?

I have thought of expressing these feelings destructively. Acts of violence against him. After I break all his bones, I would kneel down in front of his limp body and weep profusely.

Perhaps this is one step that I have not allowed myself the full liberty of doing. Yes I have been keeping myself occupied with wholesome activities; diving, dining, hiking. But I do not think those are outlets where these emotions could be expressed.

But guess what? I think this blog is a wholesome way I could express my anger and sadness. If they ever come about anymore. And if they don't all the better.

heal: remove reminders of your ex

2009-02-22T17:42:00.005+08:00

The internet is a great resource for everything. You can even find information on moving on from a breakup. The below is based on the above website.

Remove reminders of your ex
It says here it would greatly help if I were to immediately removed all the sentimental items, delete phone numbers and e-mails or letters. Keeping them will prolong the nostalgia. Do not torture myself with constant reminders until I gain the clarity to see the relationship objectively.

Firstly, it has been more than a year. So perhaps it will not be that useful anymore. But I have removed a majority of these items. I still keep the mp3 player due to its functionality. Although one could argue that the bed we slept on together or the car we rode in on the way for vacation could be classified as sentimental items, but I am way too poor to get those replaced.

I still have his phone numbers though. I do not think it does anything though. I am usually not that bored that I go through my contact list on my phone. And having his phone numbers offers me a choice of whether or not I want to pick his call up.

Virtually, I have removed every link and trace from facebook, MSN. Made my profile private. Deleted all his e-mails and more recently even blocked his address. Virtually, all ties have been cleanly severed.

Actually, there is still this one thing. I do not see it on most days but once in a blue moon, I would stumble upon it. It is kind of like Pandora's Box. It is an archive file containing all the memories; pictures, word files and videos. I still remember this video we took while on vacation; we went to a local tourist spot and pretended to be travel guides. Sigh. Oh my, am I being nostalgic now?

But if the aim of this exercise is to make sure I am not confused about the situation then I have nothing to worry about. For I know perfectly well that the relationship has ended permanently. And it is not fate. Not even circumstantial. But it is I who made the choice.

the aftermath

2009-02-18T18:22:00.002+08:00

For a while after it ended, I was racked with guilt for giving the relationship up. I did, after all, tell him, quite foolishly, that we would work things out no matter what. But in the end I could not. I had not the strength nor the will to go on futilely attempting to fix things. My emotions were inaccessible, so I relied on logic. Logically, it was doomed from the start and walking away was the only option that made sense.

Even after the end, I still regularly checked his blog, e-mail inbox and facebook. I shamelessly invaded his privacy I know. Do not ask me how I even got hold of the access. Even though I logically decided to call it off, I still needed time to get used to not having him around, not knowing anything about him. Humans being creatures of habit. I knew he was going through a rough time, his blog was evident of such. I thought to myself that it was not his fault really; being oh-so-young, he had all the rights to commit all those wrongs. Sometimes I would leave anonymous comments on his blog urging him to pursue a future without me. I still remember this story I left as a comment; the one about an alley cat, its tail, and happiness.

He must have figured out my intrusion somehow, for he soon changed his access. I was not upset; I accepted that it was only a matter of time. Dwelling there too long was not going to do me any good anyway. After that, I would still occassionally check his facebook and blog, not very sure what exactly I was hoping to find. But as time went by, the frequency dwindled. These days, I do not find the need to visit any of them anymore, unless prompted by friends who are still in touch with him.

There were also times when I could almost see him, or his ghost, in certain parts of the house. Memories of him that would vividly manifest themselves in my mind. I didnt know how to react to them; I would usually just carve a half smile.

And then there were the repetitive e-mails, fridae messages, facebook messages about second chances, missing me, random emo songs. Each one with only slight variations from the previous. I wondered how many different ways can one reiterate the same point. I would still read them despite not wanting contact; a part of me, the part I was busy trying to bury, still missed him. But I would not reply them. I did not want him to know that I read them. I did not want to give him the slightest chance to think that maybe perhaps possibly there was still hope. But if he knew how meticulous a person I can be, he would have known that I would have read them anyway.

My initial plan was to cease all forms of contact with him. Ignore; calls, instant messages, SMSes and e-mails. And there were rather a lot of those. Until a friend told me that it was very cruel for me to totally ignore him. That I should ease him into going on without me. I considered what he said and coupled with the guilt I felt, more for myself than for him really. Guilty of being weak and irresponsible. Oh the number of broken dreams in the wake of my personal weakness and irresponsibility. But guilt can often times be easily overcome by the need of self preservation and comfort.

I started to accept contact. Reluctantly. As best as I could. To make my wrongs a little less wrong.

But it was a move that I would soon regret. Not only did he contact me for all manners of mundane everyday crap, my friends had fallen prey. He did not have much valid reasons to call, so whenever he called he would ask the most eyebrow-raising sort of questions. Questions that should have gone through professional channels in his work place, instead of his ex or his ex's friends. How on earth should I know any rich luxury car driving women who would not mind appearing on his show? Gee, back during the old days, everyone would understand the concept of breakup. No more contact hereafter... as much as we were tempted to, we would always swallow it up and deal with it without bothering the other party.

It soon appeared that establishing contact was not doing anyone any good, in my humble opinion of course. He was not any closer to getting on with his life without me. I was incessantly being bugged and irked by his nonsensical calls. Every time he called, I could not help myself but to reanalyse the past. With each analysis, certain realisations came to light. Perhaps time diluted whatever emotional debris I had subconsciously carried along or maybe I had managed to slowly overcome my personal guilt, but I came to realise that FUCK! He put me through shit!

The more he called, the more angry I felt. Not only because he put me through shit, but I had allowed myself to be put through shit. With his deep insecurities regarding my colourful past, as he liked to call it, he had, quite possibly unknowingly, battered my self worth into a pulp. The realisation nurtured my hatred towards him. I decided I would not give him the pleasure of being acknowledged; I would once again ignore his existence.

Except the times when he cunningly used unmarked numbers to call me or when my friends very gladly gossipped about him to me, knowing that I probably would not want to hear any of it, I almost succeeded in wiping him off my life. And when those times did happen, I held nothing but contempt for him; wishing that somehow he would disappear from the face of the earth, even if that meant that I was in fact wishing him dead.

It seems after more than a year since we started and ended, I am still greatly affected by him. Although I have never felt as if I wanted to get back with him, I am still at times haunted by his crimes against me. Despising him for doing me wrong and then blaming me afterwards. Making me feel inadequate for his own insufficiencies. On the other hand, I am probably blaming his inadequacies for my own insufficient strength. But that is not the point.

The point is I have not moved on. I thought I have. Arms folded feeling all proud of myself. Until recently when I was told that he had slept with who and who. All at once I wished I had not heard anything. Hah, I did not move on, I only merely put him out of my mind.

Perhaps that is why I have not been dating anyone. I would like to believe that it is because of more intelligent reasons rather than fear and trauma from this previous relationship. But who knows? I am getting sick of not being able to move on. Really, what must I do to exorcise him? I have tried everything I could think of yet his spectre lingers. You can not really see it, but it is there somewhere. You know it is there.

So what now?

Maybe the thing I did not do was to really see and accept the past. To identify and take ownership of each and every part of the past, which is not the same as self blame. To piece the past in coherent links so that it would all finally make sense. To tell the story as it is... or in my case, since it is a pretty old story, as I remember it to be. To make peace with the story. And to finally close the book.

No, I do not know for sure if this is going to work. But here is trying and hopefully with time, all that remain will be the experience and lessons. I have faith in time.

the beginning

2009-02-12T16:10:00.003+08:00

He called me earlier that night asking if I would want to go to a bar with him. I swung between extremes before finally deciding to just go for it. He wanted to date me but at that point I was ambivalent. A few months before, the roles were reversed.

Pretty much nothing happened. I downed a few shots of whiskey though. Neat. Needed to feel comfortable in a bar. Still nothing happened. Until after he sent his friends back and one of them texted him hinting a slight interest in me.

I thought that was amusing so I initiated contact with the interested friend on cyberspace. On a pretext of exchanging songs, or something similar. But of course amusing was not the only reason, I had also found myself drawn towards him. Chatty, articulate, fun, cute; what's not to like.

We corresponded via e-mail every other day for the next few weeks. Writing really long compositions, no doubt attempting to impress the other party with our articulations and wits. I was hooked. I probably like guys who are good with words, now who does not. But it was not just that. Communicating with him was a refreshing change from my last guy.

Apart from e-mails, we began chatting using instant messaging program and phone calls. The e-mails continued though, for some time more to come.

One day, over an instant messenger he proposed to have dinner. It would be our first date. I picked him up from the train station after work and headed to a semi hidden restaurant in town. He was aghast at the prices listed on the menu. I could not blame him though, since he was not working yet. But I told him that it was alright, my treat. He loved the food but despised the prices. Especially the overpriced packet orange juice, in his words. I did not give what he said much thought at that time.

It was a week or two more before we would meet again. In the meantime, the virtual contacts went on. I took the opportunity to come clean with the fact that I have HSV1 and HSV2 inside me. This is one of two issues that I feel the need to be honest about with potentials. The earlier the better, before too much has been invested. The other being my history of clinical depression. That he already knew from the previous e-mails. He was upset initially but he took the initiative to read about it on the internet and learned to accept it. That was one hurdle without any incidence.

The next time we met, it was lunch and a movie. At that point in time, there was already an unsaid understanding that we were both interested and intended to bring it to the next level. Maybe him sooner than me. But before I realised anything, we were holding hands in the cinema. Actually it was not just hand holding, he was also hugging my arm.

That night, a friend came over. Friend knew the story and asked me how far had we gone already. I told Friend that we were still dating and also the hand holding in the cinema. Friend immediately exclaimed that if you are already holding his hands, it means you two are already together. Hetero people mentality I suppose. But I reckon that sealed the deal.

Yeah what the hell? Might as well I thought.

I chose to follow my emotions instead of reason. Because reason would dictate that we go on dating for a while more. But that probably would not have changed anything anyway. But it is pointless; I'll never know now.

the beginning of the end

2009-02-09T22:21:00.007+08:00

It all happened not very long after we decided to give it a go. I thought it was a good idea to let him get to know me via my blog (the old and abandoned blog in LJ) seeing that I got to know a few things about him via his. At least things that he wanted his readers to know. We may be honest in our blog entries, but they are certainly not any measure or indication of who the blogger really is. Not an accurate representation anyway. But that is alright. Bloggers do have the prerogative to edit or filter what they write to cater to their readers. Not all blogs are verbal diarrhoeas.

I wrote about this awesome sex I had with a guy who claimed that he loved me. It was all rather graphic too. Too much details for my ex to handle. Although the crux of that particular entry was not about how good the person made me feel sexually, but rather about how hollow I felt because I had no emotions for that person, my ex was harping on the fact that I had mind blowing throw down sex just weeks before I knew of his existence.

That was the beginning of the end.

In the couple of months that would come, that was the resounding metallic scratch that would pierce through our hearts. The mother of all the issues that would eventually arrive at our doorstep. He would get upset that he might not be the best sex ever. Or he was a fool to tell me that he loved me, post coital. Or that although I was the best damn thing that ever happened to him, he was afraid that he was not mine.

It was easy to tell when he was upset. He was usually the person with the most things to say, and he made damn sure that he was heard. In the spotlight. The heartbeat of the crowd. So when he was upset, he recoiled into a world of his own, totally ignored me, or responded in grunts or monosyllables. Initially, I would reassure him that sex with that person was an incident in the past, that the incident did not mean a thing to me and of course that I loved him too. Strangely though, I never did once told him that sex was better with him than that person. I just do not view sex as all that important. And sex with that person was probably not the best ever, although it could very well be the best one during that time. Truth is, sex with my ex was very fulfilling because we had an emotional connection, most likely the last best sex I have had to date. But I never told him any of it. I could not have. It would have seem like such an empty reactive response.

The reassurance would work for a few days tops. He would get upset again over the same issues. Being all quiet. Giving me the cold shoulders. I would have to utter those reassurances again to placate him. Telling him that we would work things out. And I truly believed that we would.

I really did.

But the cycle would go on nonetheless. Replays over the course of our relationship. Actually no. Things decidedly got progressively worse. Instead of just being upset, quiet and distant, his tone became accusatory. Instead of just him not being good enough, now I had become not worthy enough. He did not say any of that of course. But I picked up a few things from nuances and hints. I had gradually stopped giving any sort of reassurance because I did not want to sound like a broken record. Plus the fact they did not exactly work. Barely enough to get by the issue for the moment but insufficient as a permanent resolution.

Imagine if you will, being subjected to repeated treatments of hot and cold. One day it was all sweet, pink and cotton candy. The next you were strapped on a chair being subjected to torture. Did I say repeated? He made me feel as if him getting all upset over my past was entirely my fault.

Well maybe it was.

Maybe it was my fault that I think that casual sex is alright when you're not seeing anybody. Maybe it was my fault that I have loose morals. Maybe I did not deserve to be with him. I felt not only did I not deserve to be with him, I did not deserve to be with anyone at all. Because I have a casual view on life and sex. Hence I was unworthy. I started slipping, edging closer to the verge.

No, you're not worthy.
No, you're not worthy.
No, you're not worthy.

I remember there was this night when he got upset again. He locked himself in the bathroom and refused to communicate. I had to beg him to come out and let me know what's wrong. When he finally came out, he still refused to speak to me. I was practically frantic and trying to get him to talk. I think he must had gotten rather frustrated for he suddenly turned to me and said Go to sleep already will you? I love you ok! in a pissed-off-just-shut-up voice. I was stunned that he could say such words but mean such different things and in that instance I lifted my hand and gave him a slap on the face. In that same instance I regretted doing that. There was no excuse. I really should not have done that.

Things naturally took a turn for the worse. The frequency and intensity of him getting upset and me beating myself down became higher. We were headed down a very destructive path, hurting each other along the way. At that point I had already run out of solutions. Yet I did not end things. Because I said that we would work things out. Foolishly holding on, hoping that in the end things will get better, somehow. But they did not. We went through several mock but dramatic break ups. I still fought on. I won't forget Christmas 07. It was truly a time of pure insanity. Christmas eve party. After patching up the night before, I woke up and realised that he was uncontactable. For the entire day. God knows what psychotic thoughts went on in that head of mine then. Eventually he called at night. To break up with me. But he called me again a few hours after to patch things up.

The night before we ended things, for good, he got upset again and walked out of my room. I did not go after him. I was lying alone in bed, thinking. Doing a lot of thinking. And then suddenly realising that I was not feeling anymore. That I could neither be angry with nor glad for him. Like my emotions had out of the blue just burned out.

It's twisted you know. Eventhough he could not accept me for my past, he still wanted to be with me. Even in the end.

I hope I do not make it sound like it was entirely his fault. I have to shoulder some of the responsibilities. I was not strong enough to deal with his nonsense. I could not control my own emotions and mind; I allowed them to run wild and overwhelm me. I failed to prioritize my friends and work. In fact, I had probably placed him so high up the pedestal that he was almost divine. I would have gladly thrown myself off the 19th floor of the building, if he had willed it.

I know. What an idiot. What a total idiot.

the end...

2009-02-04T22:26:00.004+08:00

When we finally broke up, it was because I could not feel anything for him anymore. He didn't make me smile nor cry anymore. Wait sorry let me reword that. I could not feel anything for him anymore, so we finally broke up. Accurately, I dumped him, because I was the one who ended it and God knows it was not mutual. No, don't get me wrong; I don't feel proud that I dumped him. I can't imagine anyone feeling good about themselves for dumping another person.

Funny. When we were together, he used to get angry over the fact that I never bothered blogging about him. Seriously angry. Not violently so though. He was never one to raise a single finger. His style was more to passive aggressive.

And now after more than a year, the first blog entry all about him. Or us.

I was a jerk and a coward. I didn't break up with him face to face or over a cup of coffee, like any decent gentlemen should. I'm rather certain I did it over the phone, either SMS or call. Though I'm inclined to believe that it was a text message; the more gutless of the two. It was during office hours. Though I could not feel anymore, I could still think. Boy were my thoughts all messed up because of him and I couldn't concentrate on work and I couldn't wait til after work.

I did not look him in the eyes when I returned his things that night. Actually I only saw one minute of him. I spoke to his friends though and was explaining to them why I was doing this, how I could not go on with the relationship. Why this time round I couldn't work things out with him anymore. They seemed to understand and were more communicable than him.

Oh no, it was not without drama. He had threatened to off himself with a kitchen knife, outed himself on the phone to his family. But at that point, those dramas were not mine to handle anymore. I was selfish but it was high time I thought for myself.

plug it up (2)

2009-01-30T17:47:00.002+08:00

I have just found out that all the joy that recently took place outside my door is scheduled to repeat tomorrow night.

Horrors.

Granted it's a weekend night and I don't work on Sundays, I would still like to have the freedom to sleep at night. I need to purchase ear plugs.

plug it up

2009-01-30T16:01:00.001+08:00

I am on medical leave today, not because I'm ill or injured. I could not sleep last night, not because I was insomniac. I psychologically wanted and physiologically needed to sleep. It was about 0100 in the morning too, which was a good time to sleep. Not too early not too late.

Fuck where are my earplugs?

It was the noise from the living room. I know it's the season to be joyous, rowdy and staying up til the wee hours. But can you keep your joys a little quieter? Not everyone plans to be awake til it's time to feed the cocks. Some people, specifically me, need the rest because we have work the next day.

Alas, I'm not the master of my home. Else, I would have stormed outside and unleashed my frustrations on them, whatever season this may be. But what could I have possibly done when the king of the abode was also part of it? And next to him, I'm a timid mouse. The only time I've ever raised my voice at him was through a text message.

I was (maybe still am) a little worked up and on the edge. Frustrated at them for being so bloody inconsiderate. Frustrated at myself for not having any ear plugs to put on. All these frustrations and no way to express them. I wished I could break things... like their necks.

The party ended at about 0530 in the morning and I went to bed angry.

and your point is...?

2009-01-28T23:08:00.002+08:00

A few weeks ago, I started slowly telling friends about this blog, in hopes that they will return everyday and click on the advertisements to earn me some side income. So far this hasn't been working out and my earnings from the advertisements are so measly that I've decided to select the option to hold the payment instead of cashing out every single month as defaulted.

I've been rather busy recently at work, hence the lack of entries.

Ok fine, that's not the entire truth. Yes I've been busy but not to the extent where I don't have time for other activities during work other than work. There were actually quite a number of drafts pending to be posted. But I have not got to finishing them up because I could not find coherence with the composition or propriety with the content. I kept editing them over and over again and in the end I got so fed up I deleted a few.

After making this blog known to a few people, I started to feel more and more conscious about what I write. There were a few topics I wanted to rant on about but I thought some people might find them offensive. Or outright offensive things I want to say about actual people or even my readers.

Great.

My money hungry recession conditioned mind has led me to the brilliant idea of using this blog as a money making portal, which is proving to be a futile endeavour. At the same time, I'm losing this one outlet for me to be as honest as possible with myself because I don't always want people to know what I honestly think because my thoughts can sometimes be honestly obnoxious. As a result, I'm churning less and less entries due to the fact that it's difficult to write for myself and still be polite. With less and less entries, people are not going to bother visiting this site anymore, hence reducing traffic and reducing the chances of people accidentally clicking of those money generating advertisements. This is so messed up.

You can't have it all.

A conversation I had earlier today reminded me that there are reasons why we do things. Like in this case, the point of having this blog. I thought over it. No, it wasn't created to bolster my financial standings. I was reminded that this is a place I made for myself so I can express my deepest and darkest thoughts. I don't want to have to pretend here. I don't want to have to be pleasant here. It is my space. I write for me.

Of course I could very well make this blog private again. Should I? Maybe I should just keep going until I lose a few friends from the offensive remarks I make here.

And I so hate it that I've been trained since young to make sure my composition has an opening paragraph, a coherent flow of ideas and a conclusion to wrap things up. Why should I conform? My thoughts aren't always thoroughly discussed and well concluded. So why should my entries be?

it is going to leave me red and beat

2009-01-19T14:37:00.006+08:00

Why bother doing it at all if you don't even enjoy it in the first place? That's how I feel about karaoke. In retrospect, my first karaoke outing was also my first major drunken episode. I remember trying to hump a classmate on the backseat of the car. And much later when I got home, I wanted to hide the fact that I was drunk from my parents by pretending to read my physics text book. All the while suppressing a burst of giggles.

Just don't go duh.

I find that I don't enjoy sex as well. I'm thrilled by the notion of sex; the sex itself leaves much to be desired. However, I can't use the same rationale here. I wish I could though. The thing with karaoke is that I've never enjoyed karaoke, even from the beginning. The problem with sex is that, despite all the terribly boring ones I've been having, I've had some really good ones. Those of course were from a time so long ago. I've tasted heavenly ambrosia. Of late though, sex has become more like empty rice husk.

I know good sex must exist because I've experienced it. So it is really hard to just give it up. Just don't do it duh. I can't. Who knows? The next one could be really awesome. Although more likely than not it'll end up terrible and I'll ask myself again; Why bother?

commitment phobia

2009-01-17T13:51:00.007+08:00

A while back a friend came over from across the causeway and bunked over for over a week. Let's call said friend Friend. I totally adore Friend. Even realised I missed having Friend so accessible.

Friend did not have a car to drive here or a set of keys to my place, so various logistic and schedule arrangements had to be made everyday. If I had to pick Friend up after work, or if we were to meet somewhere at a certain time. I was suddenly not my own person anymore, but one that belongs to both myself and Friend.

That one week when I had Friend over gave me a certain sense of attachment. One that I had not felt for over a year. A less impromptu sort of life, with order and accountability. For a while it felt nice to have a set of itinerary to follow. Like that's how life's supposed to be lived. I imagined that that was how it'd be like if I got together with someone in a committed relationship. I felt almost well-adjusted and good about myself.

That feeling however did not last long. Towards the end of that one week, the accountability began to feel somewhat stifling. I longed once again for that feeling of unscheduled days of doing nothing at all. Good thing that Friend had to sleep over somewhere else one night. I got my alone time. It felt really good to be alone with myself. To do anything I want, or to do nothing at all.

Am I programmed not to be susceptible to that sort of life? The attached life. Or maybe I'd force myself to get used to it once I realise there aren't many other options. I wonder now how did I previously ever managed all those other attachments with other people. I don't know. Maybe I need to strike a balance between having and not having. Being with people and being with myself. I don't know. What I do know is that I enjoy having Friend over... as long as I get my alone time.

selective(?) memory retention... or maybe some disorder

2009-01-14T10:07:00.006+08:00

Memory is a funny thing. It is like the data stored in my hard disk. But unlike the data, there is no guarantee on the integrity or the authenticity of my memory and I can't just snap my fingers and bring up specific memories as and when I like.

Certain memories are lost forever... or perhaps the recording apparatus did not do their jobs of sending the collected data to be stored as memory, impaired temporarily as a result of substance consumption. All that remains is blankness. Or at most flashes of visuals. Bight lights dancing. Puke on my sleeves.

On the other hand, I sometimes wonder why I have utterly useless information still being kept in my head after all these years. Mostly about who slept with who and under what circumstances. Maybe I was at an age where my head could properly etch these information. Deeply and permanently. Yet in recent years I have trouble remembering what I said, did, ate. Perhaps my head discarded them because they were boring.

But they could still be there somewhere. It's like when you delete data from your hard disk you don't actually remove the data; you merely remove the address to the data. The actual data is somewhere there... until some other data overwrites them.

No I'm not about to conclude this with some grand revelation. Actually it all stemmed a few days ago when I was trying to recall which book I read when. Or bought when. And I haven't got the slightest clue. Hence the need for a list. Or two. Which will appear on the side navigation bar from today onwards. Since I don't remember the past all that much, the list will not be backdated.

not only smokes

2009-01-09T18:31:00.014+08:00

Well smoking is not the only thing I know how to do. I also know how to drink. Alcohol. A lot of it. That always happens when I'm put in a situation or place that I hate. Like say a karaoke joint. Smoking isn't enough to counter awkwardness of this magnitude. So alcohol comes into play. And it always gets me into trouble. ALWAYS. The combination of alcohol + karaoke spells disaster for me. Other combinations like alcohol + disco or alcohol + dinner seem fine. I get high, I get drunk maybe. But I don't make a scene. I don't psychologically damage myself. I don't physically harass others.

You may say that this is an easy problem; just don't drink at karaoke joints. That brings us back to the initial issue of being the socially awkward and the need to do something in absence of interaction. Chicken - egg - chicken - egg and it goes on and on and on. Hence...

Addition to resolution 2009 (perhaps not limited to just 2009):-
1. avoid karaoke joints. No exceptions.

serotonin

2009-01-09T03:27:00.003+08:00

OH FUCK!

I remember years ago my counsellor told me that I kept waking up at four in the morning because my serotonin level was at the lowest at that hour of the day. That was what made her so sure that I was suffering from clinical depression. The deal sealer.

It just suddenly occurred to me that my waking up at these odd hours recently might have something to do with my serotonin level. Of course that alone probably isn't that worrying had the other symptoms not been present: I was tempted not to have dinner because my appetite was not there (and also maybe because I was feeling poor); My recent attempt to disconnect myself from all the chat programs / phone calls. That's at least three symptoms but not quite enough for a proper diagnosis.

I wonder if this is happening now simply because, years ago, I had foolishly self-declared that I was well and had stopped my medications.

I can force myself to eat more. I can force myself to stay connected with the world. But how do I get my serotonin level up? How do I stop myself from waking up at these odd hours?

One of the perks of having been clinically depressed is that I can now recognize the signs. So please let me have the strength to not only recognize them but do something remedial about them.

the lies i tell myself

2009-01-08T15:43:00.005+08:00

The threads of lies that I've been carefully weaving all these years are slowly but surely unraveling. I wonder why now. Why are the knots finally undoing themselves after all these years?

I didn't intend to lie but I guess I took the easy way out. It's so much easier to lie to myself that I'm alright than to admit I have a problem and get help. It's simpler to tell myself to be happy when all I'm able to feel is misery and hopelessness. After all, I read somewhere that if you keep telling yourself that you're happy, your mind might just be deceived. And isn't happiness just a perception of the mind? Isn't reality just a perception of the mind? isn't it?

At that point in time I was seeing a shrink and damn was it expensive. Especially when I was trying to keep it a secret and I was paying for the medications with what little money I had. I had just started working at that time and my pay was utterly pathetic. I knew sooner or later I would stop seeing the shrink, simply because I would not be able to afford her. At the same time, I guess you could say I brainwashed myself into thinking that I'm recovering and will no longer need help. As if I could drag myself out of depression with mere willpower. Reality and perception are always oh-so-confusing. That very thin line that separates the two. Sometimes what we perceive isn't really there.

We lie because we don't want to die.

Survivalism. Doing whatever it takes just to stay alive. And so I deceived myself into thinking that although I can never truly be happy, at least I can be functional. At least I can be part of society. Of late though I find my ability to connect socially in any meaningful manner is fast depleting. In larger groups or in foreign locations. At least I'm still alright in smaller numbers. For now. And I'm definitely doing alright in terms of my work. That's sort of a relief. Although my work does not exactly require very active human interactions. But nevermind that... I go to work I get paid. That's what matters.

The dysfunctionalities within me are getting more pronounced. Even more so when I've soaked my system with alcohol. Why was I swimming at 2 am in the morning? Why did I slap him? Why did I thrash his car? I really have no idea whatsoever. I can forgive myself for the slap and the thrash. I was so drunk I could not even remember doing anything. But swimming at 2 am... that I remember doing. And I was not even totally drunk at that point. Yet I do not know why I did it. I just felt like doing it and hence I went and do it.

Irrational behaviour.

So perhaps I did not get better all those years back. And the lies I tell myself are beginning to wear out as the neurosis in my head is slowly taking over. And in between then and now, my illness has progressively gotten more serious. But why did my lies stop working recently? Did a traumatic event shake the frames of realities?

I'll stop writing now because I don't know how to end this. There is still no solution or resolution with regards to this. Or why it's choosing to rear its ugly head now.

At least I've come up with a plan for the alcohol. Next time when I go psycho again, I will not have the alcohol to blame anymore. I mean IF... IF I go psycho again.

cycle

2009-01-07T15:29:00.007+08:00

1. get thoroughly drunk.
2. destroy properties and/or physically hurt people.
3. not remember anything but find out somehow.
4. feel remorse and avoid people.
5. post some resolution somewhere and feel determined to change ways.
6. repeat steps 1 - 5 after 6 months.

moderation

2009-01-06T18:32:00.008+08:00

The theme for the year. I don't want to go as far as abstinence. That's way too confining. I prefer giving myself space and margins for errors and allowances. It's better to fall a few steps than from the 19th floor straight to ground. Too confining means higher chance of not keeping it. And when you fuck it up, you'll go all out.

I suppose this all encompassing theme means doing things I usually do but in moderation. Yes, go to the clubs, but not every weekend. Work but don't bring work home. Spend but not excessively. Smoke but not when you're coughing your lungs out. Eat but make sure your waist stays 32". A lot of playing by ear.

Drinking. Now this is a tricky one. I can't just say do it moderately because drinking affects judgement; and the more you drink the more you lose it. And from there it's all the way downhill. And observing moderation when I don't have much sense of judgement left is quite an impossibility. On the other hand, I can usually behave even after having a lot of drinks and I do drink during meals sans incidents. Operative word being usually. Once or twice a year, I'll drink to the extent of causing scenes, damage and injuries. I'll wake up not remembering details or only recalling vague flashes. It's not fun when you get drunk to that the point of losing memories and causing physical and psychological damage. So drinking. How to tackle this without abstaining from alcohol? One thing that I noticed about my misbehaving is that the last two times happened in a karaoke joint. So maybe it's where I do it that matters (or maybe this is simply a way of avoiding direct responsibility). Hence: -

1. not one (1) drop of alcohol in karaokes. In fact, don't even bother going to karaoke joints. Never enjoyed myself there anyway.
2. drinking in discos is fine but caps at eight (8) drinks (glass / mug / shot / etc) and make sure I spend at least 30 minutes on the dancefloor.
3. drinking in pubs or with meals are alright but limit self to six (6) drinks (glass / mug / shot / etc).

The other resolution is not so much of my own. I was harassed into making this resolution because my friends think that it'll be beneficial for me. Get a new hobby; specifically watercolour painting. I don't know. I did say I want to do it. But I don't want to do it just because I made a resolution to. And I'm not quite fixed yet on watercolour painting or something else. So I'll put this here but it's not gonna be an actual resolution.

New Year Resolutions are just like Birthdays. And I hate birthdays... my own at least. Birthdays make every other day seems unimportant when that shouldn't be the case. Goals made anytime of the year are as important as those made in the beginning of the year.

socially inept

2009-01-05T00:09:00.009+08:00

I feel like a socially crippled person. Especially in big groups. I started realising it sometime last year. The more I become conscious of this problem, the more amplified it gets. Most of the time I just sit or stand there wondering what to say or do. I don't how to behave socially. If there is food, then I'll eat. So I do the only other thing I know how to do. I indulge in cigarettes. People think I'm a chain smoker but when I'm on my own, I can go on for hours without any.

Lately, I've been associating myself with words like socially inept or recluse. It's getting worse. Naturally I reckon. Since I'm not doing anything to remedy it. Not like I have the slightest clue on where to begin.

in dire need of resolutions

2009-01-04T04:59:00.006+08:00

It's only the fourth day of the new year and things are definitely not looking too bright. I have to force myself to come up with this year's resolutions before things get any worse. Yes, I need to be positive that things can be better if only I work to make them so. Taking uncalculated chances and blaming misfortunes on a bad year is simply too irresponsible.

last year

2009-01-02T22:26:00.010+08:00

2008 was a year of several significances. I thought I could get away without penning them down. After all, I have stopped blogging for a year or so and to get back to it once more seems rather daunting. But such significances... it's almost like for the first time ever in my life I've finally learned how to do things right (some things at least). How to live life instead of letting life pass me by.

Financially, I've been more aware than ever of my own standings. Yes, I've known for many years that I've not been making enough money. What I never admitted were just how poor I actually am and what to do about it... not in any real sense anyway. Granted I may not have executed the best financial plan... but in these times of turmoil and uncertainty, having a plan at all is a good enough step. The next step I reckon would be to constantly review and revise the plan to better suit the ever (d)evolving situation.

Romantically, after 10 long years of fruitless dating, facts I've known about myself finally got through to my head. I've always told myself not to rush into relationships, but I've never really followed that piece of advice. For me it's been really easy to fall for someone. All I needed was mutual attraction; despite all the prerequisites I may have set for the other person. But is that what I am looking for? Do I really want to just fall for anyone? No. I want to participate in a functional relationship. I want to build a relationship that will last. So what is such a relationship built upon? Different people may have different answers. Maybe there is one right answer out there. But my answer for now is friendship. If we can't even be friends, how is it possible for us to be lovers? Many will not agree and it may not even actually work for me. But that's the best I can come up with.

There. I have immortalised my thoughts on last year here. I definitely didn't have to type this out just so I don't forget. But doing so makes it somewhat more tangible. Concrete and can be used against myself.